While having my walking session last night, my mind wandered to all my resolution lists (that never achieved) and suddenly, it hit me. Who am I competing with?

All the time, I joke that we never win against life, because no one ever gets out of it alive. No one. Okay, I will not debate the Bible’s famous stories of Enoch and, of course, Jesus. Right? Death is certain for every human being. Face it, we are not saints, prophets, or the Son of God. We are just like millions of others, a speck of dust.

Though I know I will never win against life, what I have done is the opposite. I never stop challenging life and competing with it. Well, when that thought slapped me, of course I was a bit in denial. I thought, I am always an easy and relaxed person. I can sit quietly for hours just reading, stopping my mind from thinking, or simply drawing. I can stay alone at home with no human interaction for days, only limited by logistics and supplies.

For a long time, I have decided that the only thing I want is to not feel regret on my deathbed. I have never listened to others when it comes to taking charge of my life. I am not living by anyone’s standards. There are a few people who misunderstand my actions, but I just don’t mind.

But then, the way I act itself becomes my competition with lifd as I don’t want to have any regrets. I will love fully. I will do everything wholeheartedly. Well, at the moment I am typing this, I still believe in those things, living wholeheartedly and living to the fullest.

But how do I know that I will not regret anything? When we die, can we even still feel?

Other than dying without regret, I also wish for a death without pain. When my time comes, I will leave like an autumn leaf falling from its tree, carried by a breeze. Both hopes are always in my prayers. Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to kill myself. No. Like I told you, I am very much alive. But we all know it will come. So, yeah, better to be prepared.

Who am I competing with? What is winning at life? Happy? Overcoming difficulties? Being positive all the time? Being a useful human being? What is winning at life?

After finishing the session, I sighed and told myself, “Wah, Ruth Wijaya, you are really an expert at this kind of useless thought.” Just embrace life as it is. It sucks. It is full of regrets. And just accept it, even if your life feels useless. I laughed as I heard my own voice saying this to my overthinking self.

Well, at least I have something to post then.